Coping Skills
Stress and Infertility
Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
Individuals and couples who are having trouble conceiving frequently wonder about the relationship between stress and infertility. It is a complex one, but here are some vital things that you need to know.
First of all, if you have not been feeling like your usual self, or if your partner, family or friends have commented that you are moodier, more irritable, or seem to enjoy things less, please know that this is an entirely normal reaction to infertility. Almost half of all women report symptoms of anxiety, depression or both at their very first visit with an infertility doctor. And these symptoms can become more frequent and more intense the longer you are trying to conceive.
Second, there is absolutely no truth to the old wives tale that if you just relax/adopt/have a glass of wine/quit your job or anything else your family and friends cook up, you will get pregnant. Infertility is a medical condition that almost always has a physical diagnosis, which may involve you, your partner, or both of you.
Third, most people who have not experienced infertility have absolutely no idea how difficult it can be. The people who love you the most might actually say the most upsetting things, but remember that these comments tend to stem from ignorance, not from any desire to hurt you.
Despite the fact that stress does not cause infertility, per se, it can in fact have an impact on your ability to conceive. Research shows that distress is the leading reason why insurance-covered patients drop out of treatment. Distress can also decrease the chance that infertility treatment will be successful; the more distressed you are prior to and during treatment, the less likely it is that the treatment will be successful. Recent research also shows that women who learn mind/body skills to decrease their stress levels have higher pregnancy rates.
So, how can you reduce your stress levels? Here are a few suggestions:
- Remember that you are not alone. Seek out others who are going through infertility; they truly “get it.” Join a support group or a moderated chat room, or ask family or friends if they know anyone who is going through infertility.
- Come up with snappy comeback lines. Note which comments bother you the most and carefully think of responses that will both educate the person who made the comment and protect you from further hurtful comments. So, for example, the next time someone asks why you’re waiting so long to have children, you can say anything from “Conceiving a baby is a very private decision,” to, “We have run into some medical difficulties but are consulting with a physician who is top in his/her field,” to, “When we see how the cat turns out.”
- If you notice symptoms of anxiety or depression, ask your infertility doctor if there is a mind/body group in your area or if there is a therapist who is trained in cognitive-behavior therapy with infertility patients.
- Schedule time to regularly talk about infertility with your partner. If you know that you have specific times to both focus on how each of you are feeling and plan the next steps together, it may well become less of a focus throughout the rest of your day.
- Nurture yourself. If you feel uncomfortable going to baby showers or toddler birthday parties, decline and send a lovely gift. The honoree will survive without your presence.
Always remember that infertility is a temporary crisis. The majority of individuals and couples who experience it do end up with a healthy baby, and whatever the outcome, research shows that it will not have a permanent impact on the quality of your life long term.
Good luck on your journey!
Alice D. Domar, PhD, leads The Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and is an international leader in the field of mind/body medicine and women’s health.
